


i am drowning, there is no sign of land.

by ivy_sargent



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grishaverse, Hurt Kaz Brekker, Hurt No Comfort, I love him, Inspired by Six of Crows, Ouch, Post-Book 1: Six of Crows, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Whump, dontworryitllbehappyintheend, kaz brekker gets help, kaz brekker needs help, poorguy, someone pay for his therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28807929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivy_sargent/pseuds/ivy_sargent
Summary: kaz is not doing so hot after inej leaves. the others notice.i don't own these characters, all credits to Leah Bardugo!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after crooked kingdom, and there will be major spoilers. it mostly follows Kaz, but the other characters will be prominent as well. This will be angsty™, but there will be sweet and funny moments too! 
> 
> TW !! there is implied depression + suicidal ideation, as well as PTSD and other mental stuff. i am in no way trying to glamorize or glorify mental issues, I'm just writing about a character I love!
> 
> suicide hotline: 800-273-8255
> 
> depression hotline: 352-771-2700
> 
> i love and care about you!
> 
> there might also be a few inaccuracies, so sorry about that.

Kaz felt horrible. Rollins was gone, but so was Inej. She was his anchor, his light. He had a better reason for living now, and it was her. But with her gone, he wasn't so sure. At least it's not Rollins anymore. A quiet, optimistic, young boy's voice nagged in his mind. He supposed that was true. Still, to his surprise, revenge wasn't as delicious as anticipated. It was still gratifying-but nothing compared to Inej. Rollins was gone, but Jordie was still there. The drowning was still there every time someone's wretched skin brushed his. Even if someone touched him with layers of clothes between them it could be bad. The nightmares were still there. The flashbacks were there.

Everything stayed but his will to live, and it was horrible.

He was painfully aware that he was selfish. Inej was doing great things, she was happy capturing slavers. That's why he would never bring it up. He no longer feared her knowledge of his weaknesses, at least not as much, but this involved her directly and he couldn't burden her with that. She didn't deserve it.

He glanced outside. Still dark. He went to gulp down more coffee on his bedside table-but it was empty. "Fuck," He muttered under his breath as he hoisted himself up. Ignoring the protests from his bad leg, he walked to his desk. Might as well get stuff done. After a couple hours of tedious work, the sun finally started to shine from his window. 

As he got ready for the same day that had been repeating since Inej left, he let his mind wander. Imagining what Inej was doing-how happy she must be. He walked to the bathroom, seeking to wash his hands. 

"Morning Kaz!" Jesper said with a wide smile. What is he doing here?

"Don't tell me you forgot about the mission..." Jesper continued, slightly concerned. Oh shit. 

Even a master of bottling and hiding feelings such as Kaz couldn't hide how horrible he'd been feeling. He was thankful no one had brought it up, but it felt like people were walking on eggshells around him and he hated it. Even if he'd been struggling to remember important things.

"No, I didn't. Now get out of my way." Kaz grunted with all the fake confidence he could muster.

Jesper put his hands in the air, "Jeez, okay man."

It was a small mission. They were just breaking into someone's house and getting...What were they getting again? No matter. He remembered his plan well enough now, and Wylan was coming along with him so he could remind him. After splashing his face with water and washing his hands, he met the crew. Relatively small-Jesper, Wylan, and a few new Dregs he didn't remember the names of.

He explained the plan. They said nothing. Good.

Wylan and Kaz walked through the alleyways. The clack of Kaz's cane was the only sound for what seemed like hours. Finally, Wylan spoke.

"Er- Kaz," he took a shaky breath. "Are you okay?" Kaz rolled his eyes.

"Like, uh, mentally. And physically too, I guess." He added.

"I'm just peachy," Kaz responded slightly sarcastically.

"Kaz." He exasperated, "You can talk to me."

No. No, I can't. 

"I said I'm fine, I'm great! I'm wonderful, I've never been happier." He bellowed.

Wylan grabbed Kaz's arm. A wave of nausea hit Kaz. He was clinging to Jordie's bloated, lifeless body. He was drowning. He couldn't breathe.

"Kaz?"

"Get. Away." Kaz growled menacingly. He pulled his coat tightly around himself and picked up his cane that he didn't notice fell. Wylan looked beyond worried. Kaz leaned on the cool brick beside him. After a moment of forced breathing, he started walking again.

Wylan didn't say anything else.


	2. this will pass...right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little bit of wesper fluff with kaz angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for descriptions of a panic attack, also there's a mention of throwing up.

W Y L A N

The mission went fine. They retrieved what they needed, and didn't run into any trouble. 

Now they were at the Slat. Kaz was in his office, and Jesper and Wylan were sitting together in the common area. Wylan was thinking of Kaz's...thing. What even happened? Wylan thought back. His breaths were labored, forced, and short, his face was ghastly pale, he was sweating profusely, and trembling like crazy.

Wylan remembered the nights where he sat crying, shaking, throwing up, breathing heavily after being reminded of something from his childhood. He remembered Jesper holding him. Comforting him. Who comforted Kaz now Inej was off catching slavers? Did he ever let her comfort him?

"What's wrong Wy?" Jesper questioned. He must've looked as troubled as he felt.

"It's-" Wylan took a breath, "Kaz was acting really strange."

"Uh, have you met Kaz? He's a strange guy." Jesper lightheartedly responded, smiling. When Wylan didn't smile, Jesper's face dropped.

"I asked him if he was okay," Wylan started.

"How are you still breathing?" Wylan smiled faintly and continued,

"He obviously wasn't. Okay, I mean. Alright. Well. He snapped, and I told him he could talk to me." Jesper's face twisted with pity for Wylan-it was not a good idea to offer Kaz mental help.

"So I grabbed his arm-" Jesper's eyes widened.

"That was a really bad idea. I know he doesn't like being touched, but the thing is, I didn't touch him. He had several layers of clothes on, Jes! He started freaking out-shaking, sweating, he had to lean against a wall to stay upright. He looked like he was gonna kill me. He let go of his cane. He looked absolutely horrible. I don't know what to do but I'm really worried and-"

"Wy, it's okay. I'm sure he was just on edge." Wylan wasn't convinced. By the looks of it, neither was Jesper.

"I'll talk to him, make sure he's not really bad." Jesper sighed. "But if my face is clawed off I blame you." Wylan smiled.

"Thank you," he said gratefully. Jesper kissed him before knocking on Kaz's door.

J E S P E R

Jesper knocked. His mind was racing-how was he going to ask Kaz Brekker if he was genuinely doing okay. What would Jesper say if Kaz admitted to doing poorly? If he didn't love Wylan as much as he did we wouldn't be doing this.

"What?" Kaz rasped.

Jesper opened the door. Jesper was shocked to see Kaz sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall.

"Kaz..." Jesper started while trying to grab onto words.

"Do you actually have business with me or did you interrupt me to stand there gaping like a fish out of water?" Kaz questioned coolly. When Jesper didn't say anything, Kaz sighed and finally looked up at Jesper.

"Wylan sent you." his tone shifted.

"Uh...yeah," Jesper conceded.

"Kaz, it's just that we're worried about you, yknow? I know you're a tough guy, but we're your friends. I'm your friend, Kaz, and if somethings up you can talk to me. I won't tell your enemies or anything."

"I wouldn't put it past you," Kaz muttered. Jesper wanted nothing more than to leave. He hated trying to figure Kaz out. What was he supposed to say?

"Kaz, why do you wear the gloves?" Kaz's gaze shifted from dangerous to deadly. Shit, why did I ask that?

"That is none of your concern. Pick a rumor, make up your own, I don't care. Just get out of my sight before I break that face Wylan adores so much." He commanded.

Jesper sighed before leaving Kaz to be alone.

Jesper nearly had a heart attack when Wylan appeared right behind Kaz's door.

"The merchling's been eavesdropping!!" Jesper whispered with a grin. Wylan paled and gestured for Jesper to be quiet, but Jesper was far too proud to even attempt to do anything less than scream-whisper.

When they were out of earshot, Wylan explained how he didn't hear anything but Kaz ordering Jesper out. Jesper told Wylan what little there was to tell.

"Jesper, I'm actually really worried," Wylan said.

"Wylan, sometimes he just gets more irritable. It'll pass, it always does."

"Yeah. You're right." Wylan said, smiling.

It'll pass, Jesper thought, it has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for these being so short, i will definitely up the word count soon. im feeling very insecure in my writing rn... i hope you guys are finding this enjoyable/entertaining, thanks for reading!!
> 
> each chapter i think im gonna recommend a song that reminds me of kaz or any other soc character!
> 
> this chapter is kaz again, "i am not a good person" by pat the bunny. really good song!! the line "im not a good person, not even to you" feels like kaz talking to inej...ouch. 
> 
> anyways i hope you had/have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> aaah this is my first fic on here!! im very nervous about this and my writing, so please leave suggestions!! also- the title is from the song "no children" by the mountain goats ! the song reminds me of kaz lol


End file.
